Wayne was a friend of mine in first grade. I stood behind him one day, while he was waiting to see the teacher. I pulled, playfully, on his back pant pocket. It tore his pants. I did not intend the tear, but was only being playful with my friend. He did not seem overly upset, but the teacher did. She reprimanded me in front of the class. Then, she paddled me with a board in front of the class.

Her approach entailed a method with two aspects. First, punishment. Second, shame. Of course, there is an element of emotional and physical abuse, that was legal at the time.

Her approach was counter-productive. While I did not resist, the act, to this day, says nothing to me about love or proper discipline, or how to treat children or adults. She did not think of her action as abusive, but it was. I realize she was acting in cultural norms, but I do not excuse such action.

This is like our “penal” systems that are over-flowing. Our prison system is over-loaded, persons are being let out early. Penal – punishment – does not usually work. The system shames, but usually does not lead to long-term corrective actions. Many who enter a penal system come out more hardened than when they entered. So, what was accomplished?

Punishment is a lazy method of trying to control, rather than take the time and creativity to find ways to redirect persons. Punishment may, indeed, control in some instances, but is control Loving? No. Does control rehabilitate? Rarely, if ever.

Certainly, for some reasons, some persons may be beyond rehabilitation. There are ways of discipline for them, and to protect the society from them. I agree with that. That is discpline, not punishment.

What if the teacher had taken me aside alone and asked what I intended by pulling on Wayne's pant pocket? What if she had provided discipline by having me apologize or take responsibility to garner the income to buy Wayne a new pair of pants? What if she had said, “Wayne, how do you feel about what Brian did?” What if he had said, “It's okay. I know Brian did not mean to tear my pants”? There are many “what ifs” that avoid reverting to punishment and shame.

There is a Christian scripture that speaks of the separation of fear from religion and spirituality. Listen to these wise words:

Divine Love has no fear in it. For this Fullness of Love dissolves all fear. If we are fearful, we're afraid of being punished. This shows we're not enjoying this Fullness of Love. With this Love, too, we can love each other.

*I John 5.18

Punishment and Divine Love are incompatible. How can we lovingly relate with a “god” who uses punishment to keep us in line, or correct us? How can we have loving relationships based on punishment, thus fear? Love disciplines, but Love never punishes. Love never fosters slavish fear. Love loving seeks to correct, guide, and keeps the good of the other in mind, in compassion, as one equal to the other in Grace.

In some measure, we reap what we sow. This is not punishment, but natural consequences. Likewise, discipline seeks to guide and educate in consequences, but does not control by criticism and punishment.

One more passage speaks of the Jesus approach. A common attitude is to punish the enemy, to control him or her; this extends from nation to nation. What has this produced? Look at the hell in homes, marriages, families, and even among nations. But read this:

But I tell you this. Love those who choose to be your enemy. Bless them who curse you; do good for those who hate you. Pray for them who abuse you, and bring harm to you. By doing this, you can truly be a child of the Heavenly One. Why? Notice, that One sends rain on everyone, just and unjust.

*Matthew 5.44-45